


the closer i got the more i lost

by episode342



Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, Post-Canon, this is really sad lmao sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 22:14:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29214729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/episode342/pseuds/episode342
Summary: “It’s not appropriate, for us to be together. A shinigami and a human being shouldn’t be romantically involved, it’s prohibited.”Every word coming out of his mouth is robotic, rehearsed lines practiced over and over in the late hours of the night, trying to convince himself they were true.
Relationships: Hitsugaya Toushirou/Kurosaki Karin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	the closer i got the more i lost

**Author's Note:**

> never read or written hitsukarin before sorry if it's a bit ooc

It wasn’t okay for him to feel this way.

It wasn’t okay to stay awake so late at night, remembering the feel of her hand on his, the way they fit together like puzzle pieces. Or the feeling of her soft, hesitant lips against his own. Sometimes, when he’s particularly restless, he remembers her voice, like a soothing lullaby fighting off his bad dreams. Even in the conformity of his office, with dozens upon dozens of paper stacks filling up every space — until the brown is nothing but a sheet of white — he recalls her lingering gazes, the particular way she held eye contact just to appear stronger in front of him.

And she was, all things considered. She dealt with his insecurities, his doubts, and his every fear.

It wasn’t okay to feel this way, _no_. Not after he lectured her about how inappropriate their relationship was in the first place. Not after he walked away from her without looking back.

Karin wasn't hard to find after the war, not really. He remembers visiting her as soon as he was able to slip away, just to make sure she was okay. Or perhaps it was his way of finding out if he was.

War wasn’t easy on Soul Society or the shinigami, there was as much losses as there was wins. So many people were dead or unaccounted for, yet all Toshiro could think about was whether Karin was okay. She _had_ to be, didn’t she?

And she was. It was that relief that led him to kissing her on the spot. Cold dread filling him when she didn’t respond at first and warm relief when she kissed him just as hard.

It was an unspoken law between them, to talk about what was really happening. To label it in any way. He was hers and she was his and that was all that mattered to them. It didn’t matter that he lived a whole world away, or that she hadn’t lived half as many lifetimes as he had. It didn’t matter he was captain of the same division her dad once was, or that she was the sister of the man who saved Soul Society more than once.

It didnt matter until it _did_.

When Renji Abarai and Rukia Kuchiki first announced their plans to marry, Toshiro didn’t pay it any mind. He wasn’t particularly fond of either, as they were not in his division. But they were friends of Rangiku’s so it was only inevitable for her to bring their engagement up when he absolutely did not ask.

“I’m happy for Renji,” his lieutenant said as Toshiro worked on her share of paperwork of the week, “but, I kinda feel bad for Ichigo.”

Toshiro hummed, not really paying attention. He had a lot of work to catch up on to bother processing this kind of information.

“I mean, he was in love with her!” Rangiku exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air in dramatic fashion, “And I’m pretty sure she loved him too.”

The short captain sighed, quite annoyed that this conversation wasn’t over, “How is that any of your concern? There are more important things to worry about than silly gossip.”

Rangiku frowned, “Well, I just thought you’d—“

“That I’d what?”

The strawberry blonde looked down, looking rather hesitant. That concerned Toshiro, usually his lieutenant was rather blunt.

“Out with it, Rangiku.”

This time she sighed, clearly upset, like it was his job to know why the hell _this_ was a big deal in the first place—

“That you’d care. Because it’s real shitty, isn’t it? Why should one give up the person they love the most because they’re human?”

And yes, _why_ should they?

He thought about this question, for days and nights and moments in between. He thought every possible answer to it. About how right Rangiku was— it was unfair to find love just to lose it because the universe said so.

But, it made sense the more he thought about it. A shinigami and a human shouldn’t be together, under any circumstance. It was just a recipe for disaster and tragedy and Toshiro had enough of that. He thinks Karin has had enough of that too. So he sleeps on it, or _doesn’t_ , opting to stay awake and formulate the correct words — because if he’s gonna do it, he has to do it right.

The next time he sees her, his heart breaks a little.

She looks stunning, half her face covered by a scarf, his scarf. The tip of her nose is red from the cold and he notices the slight shivers running through her body when he holds her. He lets her tell him about her day, almost forgetting the reason he’s really here for.

Then she mentions Ichigo. She goes on to say he’s been acting weird lately, reading those sad novels on his shelf and writing. She says they’re poems, but she’s never read any. _They’re too personal_ , she tells him. But he already knows they are.

“Karin,” he begins, letting go of her hand. He immediately misses her warmth, craves it for than anything in the world.

“Yeah?” She asks, and the twinkle in her eye makes him hesitate.

_Do I really have to do this? Do I_ really _have to let her go?_

“I think we should stop seeing each other.”

He doesn’t meet her eyes, he can’t. And when she lets out an anxious laugh, his heart skips a beat. He cant do this to her.

“Didn’t think you’d be one for jokes of that caliber.”

He frowns, looking up to face her, “It’s not a joke.”

And if the mere thought of parting ways from her wasn’t enough to break his own heart, the look of absolute hurt on her face does the job instantly.

“You’re breaking up with me? Why? I deserve to know at this that.” She pleads and it’s wrong, _so wrong_ because Karin Kurosaki doesn’t plead. She doesn’t beg or cry and he’s making her do both things in the span of a minute.

“It’s not appropriate, for us to be together. A shinigami and a human being shouldn’t be romantically involved, it’s prohibited.”

Every word coming out of his mouth is robotic, rehearsed lines practiced over and over in the late hours of the night, trying to convince himself they were true.

She laughs, and it comes off as an angry sob and god, what the hell is wrong with him?

“That’s bullshit—“

“It’s not.” Her eyes widen at his interruption, the way his voice raises, and his tone shifts. Right now he isn’t her lover, warm and caring, he is a captain of the Gotei 13, cold and distant. “I apologize for giving you the impression this— relationship was meant for the long run. It wasn’t. We weren’t. I’m sorry, Karin.”

And he is, he really fucking is. By the time he returns home, he realizes he’s been shaking this whole time. For the first time in years, his chest feels cold. He feels as though he’s about to freeze to death. He can’t breathe and it hurts, it hurts _so bad_. But it was the right thing to do, it has to be.

It wasn’t fair for him to feel this way.

Because if Ichigo Kurosaki, savior of Soul Society, wasn’t allowed to be happy then why should he?


End file.
